if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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