So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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