"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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