hell yes lets make some ravioli
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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