look no pants
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I could fuck to npr.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
