i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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