I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
