I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
