i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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