I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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