I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
