Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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