I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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