I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We need a shit load of segways right now
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
