Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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