idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
