I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
