I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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