OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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