I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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