she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
