I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize