Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
