I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
