He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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