we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
last night I used snow as a chaser
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