Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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