is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
