I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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