you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
