five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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