I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
