there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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