I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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