An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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