I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
