I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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