carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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