I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
