my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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