I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish life had little blips of pornography
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize