Did you just see the Batmobile???
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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