Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
