She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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