Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
