You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you had me at cake vodka
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
