Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
