When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
