I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
