My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
