Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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