Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
