we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
