Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
