I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
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