I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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