I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
