I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
