My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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