I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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