she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize